Loud for the Louts

Ours

HELLLOOOOOO? CAN YOU HEAR MEEEE? JUST FOR THE RECORD, YOU FREECYCLING MASSES OUT THERE…A BULLHORN HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH A BULL. I WILL USE THIS CONTRAPTION TO TELL YOU, IN A WAY THAT YOU CAN UNDERSTAND BECAUSE YOU’RE OBVIOUSLY A DIMWIT, THAT I NEED TO BE HEARD. AT AN OUTDOOR EVENT. WITHOUT ELECTRICITY. LOUDLY.

WANTED: working bull horn in rxd bxxk====Working bull horn for outdoor events that does not have to
be plugged into anything to operate, but will amplify voices.

Barry, The Real Old Model

Ours

Oh Lordy Lord Lord, have I died and gone to heaven?  This person lives in our very own Toxic State and my heart is bursting with pride.

Here are a few of his posts.  Every night when I lay my head and say my prayers, I respectfully request that another post from this gentleman make its way into my inbox.

We’ve just appointed him mayor of our “What’s He Building In There?” category. You can just call him the Real Old Model.

 

WANTED: Exxxxxxxxxn-  Electric meat grinder- I am in need of an electric meat grinder as I am getting a lot of venison that I need go grind. Thanks Barry

WANTED: Exxxxxxxxxn-  carbeurator for wheel horse tiller- needed carberator for wheel horse tiller. thanks Barry the real old model

WANTED: Exxxxxxxxxn- tatto equipment- I know that this is a long shot, but i’m looking for tatto equipment. I want to leave my mark on someone. Thanks

Freak Tweets of the Week- # 35

Mining Twitter for Freecycle kookonauts but the well runs a bit dry.  No matter. Press rewind.

• This just came up on Freecycle. WHAT?!- by mrjamieeast
  
  
• About to stick some junk on freecycle. Instead feel like I should be setting up a justgiving page for this guy- by katediamond
•  
• Latest favourite Freecycle – anyone got a Goat for good times? I bloody love Cornwall. – by Silver_Waters
  
   

Cat-astrophe Averted

Jupiter and Chicken just the day before

From sheep to cats.  Sigh.

There was no post yesterday because we woke up to an emergency situation.  In my pre-coffee state (picture a blind zombie), I stumbled downstairs to feed the kitties and found that they had broken into a Pandora’s box of trouble.  Jupiter managed to nudge and chew her way into the treat box that while containing two delicious packets of cat treats, also housed a whole bottle of kitty methamizole, our other cat Chicken’s meds.  Those medications are flavored with tasty stuff cats can’t resist, and what resulted was a panicked trip to the animal hospital, loads of emergency treatments including the administration of fluids and some carbon to absorb the meds in their systems, as well as lots of observation by vets.

On my end? It was the lousiest day in recent memory.  I’d pictured a lazy morning, the first week of my summer vacation filled with lots of coffee, lots of leisurely nothing-doing moments and a possible trip to the local museum.  What I got was the sinking feeling that because of my carelessness and Jupiter’s natural curiosity, I was possibly going to lose my two favorite creatures on four legs.

My thirteen-year old Chicken Cat, named so because besides being the biggest scaredy-cat I’ve had the pleasure of knowing, has the habit of making a clucking noise every time she jumps on or off a piece of furniture.  I like to think of her as my sidekick because she follows me around everywhere I go and is more doglike than she cares to admit.  Jupiter Mars, our one-year old terror, was born under our deck and is now the resident kook in this house of nut jobs.  She carries around her stuffed Piglet all over the place and considers it her best friend.

My cats were in dire trouble and although I’ve spent my whole life caring for and loving animals, in one moment, I endangered the two furballs I so carefully and lovingly raised. I spent the day punishing myself for not closing the medicine bottle correctly, not stashing the box away in a cabinet because I know that Jupiter is the Harry Houdini of the feline world. My eyes were so swelled up from crying the whole day, I could barely see. Thankfully there was a light at the end of the tunnel between the narrow slits of my eyes.

I got word last night that they are now stable, there is no neurological damage to either one, blood tests are at normal levels now and they are receiving the best of care and will be home this evening.

Lesson to all…don’t underestimate cats. They rule the world…and they like drugs.

But do they like dressing up as babies?  I figured we needed some cheer after this woeful tale.  Hang in there, it’s worth sitting through the 15 second ad in the beginning of this video. Enjoy.

http://tune.pk/video/77009/tom-amp-jerry-baby-puss-1943

 

 

 

Sheepishly Sheeshing Our Way Back

How do we begin this comeback?  Tail-between-the-legs fashion? Nah, too uncomfortable. I hate g-strings and a tail would feel much the same way.

Cajoling and excusing? Nah, too wimpy.  I prefer bombastic but is that TOO AGGRESSIVE for being in-absentia for a near year????

Okay then, how about lamb-tastic?  Soft and non-threatening and completely approachable. Maybe dropping some Bible knowledge will further gild the lily?

Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves– Matthew 7:15

Are we false prophets? Maybe just a little.  We did preach that we’d be bringing it back  only to disappear into the mountains again.  Are we ravenous wolves? Um, yeah, so what? Who isn’t?

We are many things, but today we choose to be the bellwether.

What’s a bellwether? Normally we’d tell you to ask a farmer but we decided to throw you a bone since we are technically trying to get back into your good graces.  We’re not farmers but we’re well-versed in Matthew and Sheep 101 terminology.

A bellwether is a sheep that leads the herd often wearing a bell.

Ding dong…we’re back.

WANTED: Sheep- Rxx Bxxxx

I’m interested in possibly one or two sheep. I would like to communicate with someone who has experience in raising them. I have a big yard with plenty of grass.Thanks, Axxxxxxx

PS-  I love wool.  I love wool sweaters, especially when they have the Jeanne Bice stamp of approval…

Zoltar Says…

“Be Content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” 

All righty…Zoltar didn’t say that.   Lao Tzu actually said it.  Zoltar would have probably said something to the effect of, “Be happy bitches, and stop whining…Freakcycle’s finally got a post up so get that twist outta your panties already”.

Being part of the zombie workforce kind of sucks.   Gone are the days of 10 am coffee or wine coolers (depending on my mood) and now its only whine.   In fact, I’ve mentioned some variation of wine or whine twice already, three times if you count this sentence.  I’m out of practice, I’ve got a lot to say, and I’m not editing a darn thing.  Did I mention I’m cranky too?

Took this pic of my friend Zoltar when I went to Atlantic City to try and win big so I could tell the Man to stuff it and return to my previous life of leisure.  That didn’t happen- the winning big, or the life-changing prophecy. Zoltar didn’t say a godammn thing to me.

You gotta pay for the big Z to dispense his pearls of wisdom and being the know-it-all that I am, I felt he couldn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know.  I didn’t spend a penny seeking good fortune because I’m kind of a cheap bastard.

I wandered around for hours with my significant other and we laughed at the folly of sad-sacks as they plopped their chips on tired, fading felt tables again and again. We’d taken the trip for some grins and giggles but when we were done, instead of joy, we felt empty and desperate.  A place like Atlantic City will do that to you.

Why am I telling you all this?  (Run-on sentence alert) Because you are either a person who sees the glass half-empty or the glass half-full and that will dictate what view you have of the world, be it the view off of a houseboat in Cambodia or the concrete you wake up to under the cardboard box in a grimy alley behind Caesar’s Palace in Atlantic City.

Stop judging.  Since I am a glass half-full kind of person, all you need to know is that the cardboard was clean and quite pleasant.

Alternately, if you are a glass half-empty kind of person, you have no business reading this blog.  We are positive and pleasant folk here, with sunny dispositions and a great outlook on the world.  (Like how I started it off all pissy and cranko and now I’m skipping on a double rainbow with my pet unicorn?—see our ABOUT page. Classic number 6 behavior)

We’ve featured a couple of sunshine-chasing Freecyclers below to help get you on board.  Believe in the possibility of what the holders of “The Secret” already know. “Everything is possible, nothing is impossible”.

Remember that when you’re looking for direction, pie in the sky fortunes, back patting, half-truths and hacky life coaching, you don’t have to look for it at the casino or elsewhere for that matter because Freakcycle’s already got your back.

What’s the moral of this story in a nutshell? (Again, crazy is as crazy does and we’re plenty aware of it, so don’t go there) Now, where was I? Oh yeah, the moral. Sometimes you have to walk all the way around the block before you realize you’re already home.

Still with us?

• WANTED: LCD Television (Fxxxxxd)- I am looking for a flat screen HD LCD television- any size. Thank you for considering!

• WANTED: Running Vehicle (Kxxxxxt)- Don’t know if am allowed to post this. Need a running vehicle. My car’s block cracked and I need a running vehicle to get to work. Will take most anything that does not need major motor/trans issues. Minor like brakes, tune up, etc is fine. Thank you for your help.

Put Away the Bon-Bons Because Life Is Hard

Ours

Readers…you can quit your Navajo basket weaving class now. We are back in cyberspace.

An embarrassingly long vacation with blissful summer nights of wine drinking and laissez-faire easy living á la Vanessa Paradis inexplicably morphed into a formidable and horrific creature which terrorizes everything around it but only during business hours.  Do you know this beast?

If you have a full-time job, then we are now in your ranks.  Yup, back into the Zombie workforce with us. A moment of silence please while we mourn the laid-back lifestyle we were perfecting into an art form.

Although we are now busier than Octomom at feeding time, this blog is back into the ring bringing you the accustomed tomfoolery that runs rampant on the Freecycle boards.  Bear with us because we will not be bringing it on the daily like before until we can work out some scheduling kinks.  I’m hoping salvation comes in the form of a wonder drug (over the counter, of course). This dream-capsule of medicine gives super human strength and endurance without diminishing one ounce of wit–all in one super dose.  Pharmacists out there, reach out.

Le Coeur D’un Rongeur

Source

I had a dream last night that I’d developed a line of hamster products called “Petit Hamster Life”.  I had hamster habitats, wheels, toys, pellet foods and bedding, all emblazoned with a sweet and adorable logo of a hamster wearing a purple beret. My products were flying out of the pet stores and I couldn’t keep up with the demand and was feeling a bit stressed, I remember.

Visionary stuff, I know.  Don’t try and steal my idea or I’ll kidnap you and trap you in a human-sized critter habitat I’ve made just for thieves and charlatans.

This Freecycle post is making me consider expanding my line to include gerbils, guinea pigs, ferrets, and yes, even hedgehogs.

OFFER: toy making kit for hedgehog-

Thanks to clemencywright for turning us on to this offer via Twitter

The Languid Sloth From Outer Space That Wasn’t

Yeah, I drew it for you.  ♥ Freakcycle

OFFER: Mxxxxxxxxxe New telescope left outside in the rain Dont know if it works anymore (?)

If this is not the height of laziness, and believe me, I have a PhD in laziness (as is evidenced by not posting in Freakcycle for two weeks).  If this post doesn’t take the blue ribbon for half-assedness, I truly don’t know what does.

Just look in the goddamn finder, for chrissakes to see if the telescope works.  Point it up to the sky and find the Planet of the Lazy Buffoon.  You recognize home, don’t you?

To top it all off, all info is thrown into the subject line because why even bother to write up a description for a questionable telescope? And punctuation? Never you mind.  Throw in a colon and a question mark in unecessary parentheses and call it a day.

Industrious readers and responsible citizens of Earth, I know that this type of Freecycle carelessness galls you to no end so to make up for this, I will give you a visual as to how I believe this post actually made it to Freecycle.

Please enjoy as I slip into geek-mode and describe my ideal storyline for a B-grade horror movie made on graduate-school budget.

Picture if you will,  a gelatinous blob with fingers (the only articulated body part it has) that drags itself across laminate flooring to the dusty computer in the dark. The ghostly light from the monitor picks up the gooey snail-like detritus left behind as the mass of flesh laboriously makes its trail from its hovel to the computer chair. As it snakes up the chair and heaves itself onto the keyboard, the sliding tray straining under all the weight, the 15-word telescope post is typed out 38 minutes later. With a loud thud, the blob drops out of the chair after hitting send and makes the long journey back to its hole in the wall, only the slimy trail left behind as evidence. Fade to credits…the end.

If you love gooey horror-ific creatures, check out this great post by Robert Hood at Undead Backbrain.  http://roberthood.net/blog/index.php/2011/04/10/blobs-swamp-muck-and-amorphous-things-that-go-splat-in-the-night/

Booze Clues

Source

OFFER:  “Blues Clues makes noise but no batteries”

When this post was submitted, my first thought was that the blue puppy might be possessed like my old pal Chucky so we almost titled it “Boos Clues”  but after the third cup of coffee, just as I was pouring the Kahlua in (kidding, I’m kidding) I said, “Ha, funny Freecycle mama’s dipping in the sauce and the toys are talking”.

I’ve been there, mama so I’m not judging.  Raising my coffee cup to you right now. Cheers!

Thanks to Gardenwife for submitting via Twitter.